Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. III

In honor of celebrating my husband, I decided to roll out another edition of "Funny Stuff My Husband Says."  To see all volumes, click here.


SCENE:  Jeremy is looking through the owner's manual for the awesome new BlueRay player that came as part of the package deal when we got our new TV on sale.  We got the BlueRay player, but the TV will not be delivered for two more days.  Therefore, he is walking me through worst-case-scenarios involving wireless something and streaming something, and something something something.

Veronica:  [Interrupting] Well, like I said before, maybe we could just WAIT until the TV comes, because all of these scenarios might not even exist, so we might not need to worry about them.  Or even DISCUSS all of them.

Jeremy:  [to the dog] Cleo, are you hearing this?  My own wife does not want to hear my thoughts.

Veronica:  [sigh] Yep, that's right.

Jeremy:  My question is, Cleo, if she didn't want to hear me blather on all day, then WHY did she MARRY ME?

Veronica:  [laughing]

Jeremy:  Excuse me, Veronica, but I was not addressing you.  I was having a private conversation with Cleo.  [to the dog] Great, now she's spying on me, Cleo!

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SCENE:  Jeremy and I are watching A Charlie Brown Christmas.  Snoopy begins ice skating.

Jeremy:  [to the dog] Cleo, I want you to take a page out of Snoopy's book.

Me:  What?  You want her to ice skate?

Jeremy:  Sure.  Ice skating, general human-like activites, you know.


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SCENE:  Eating dinner on the couch and watching Ace of Cakes.  Mary Alice says something about "acting like grown-ups."


Me:  [Through a mouthful of chili and cheese dip and tortilla chips]  Hmm.  We should try that sometime.


Jeremy:  What?  Act like grown-ups?


Me:  Yeah, eventually.


Jeremy: [In a cockney accent] Not bloody likely.


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SCENE:  It is early morning, and Jeremy has just discovered that MoJo has (once again) been scratching right outside our bedroom door, causing destruction that will have to be repaired.  Jeremy becomes enraged.


Jeremy:  Veronica, I hope you know that I am going to punch MoJo in his little cat face the next time I see him.


[The jingling of the bell on his collar rings out]


Veronica:  NOOO!  Run, MoJo, RUN!!


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[SCENE:  Sitting on the couch]


Jeremy:  Hey, Simpsons is new tonight.


Veronica:  Oh.


Jeremy:  Don't you care?


Veronica:  Not really.  They haven't been very good lately.


Jeremy:  OH!  So is that what you are eventually going to do to me?   Just CAST ME ASIDE when I'm no longer quote good unquote?  You  make me sick.


Veronica:  Jeremy.  [sigh].  I love you.  And you will always be "good."  And this is very different, because you are my husband, and The Simpsons is a television program.


Jeremy:  You have to stay TRUE to the things in your life when you have taken so much from them and they have given you so many good times!  You can't just cast them away because they suck ...


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SCENE:  MoJo has just climbed onto Jeremy's lap and is looking adoringly up into his face.  I swoon.  Instead of swooning, Jeremy looks MoJo right in the face and starts singing to him, to the tune of the theme song for the The Cleveland Show (If you haven't heard it, take a listen here first)


Jeremy:  [singing] My name is MoJo cat/
             and right now I smell real bad/
             I like to scratch a lot/
             and make that Jeremy mad


Veronica:  [loses her shit laughing]