Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Oh Yeah. Also? I Am Not Stupid.

I have this fun little thing I do when said solicitors come to the door.  I listen politely for a moment, and then, with my head cocked to the side and a sweet-yet-dense look on my face, I say, "Oh, I'm sorry.  My husband takes care of all that."

I don't care what it is.  I always reply that way.  

You're here to collect for a charity that sounds made up?  My husband takes care of all that.

You're here to invite us to join the neighborhood watch?  My husband takes care of all that.

You're here to sell magazines?  My husband takes care of all that.

Yes, my husband is in charge of all charitable donations and decisions about joining organizations.  And magazines.  He is definitely in charge of magazines.

I don't know what made me decide to do it, but I sure love it!

So this guy from some made-up sounding energy organization came by last week and wanted to see our energy bills to make sure we aren't getting overcharged.  I did my standard "stupid housewife" routine, and the guy looked a little sorry for me.  He began speaking much more slowly and loudly, and asked if I knew where my husband kept the bills, because all he needed was to see one.  I shook my head sadly.  He even showed me one on his clipboard.  "See.  It looks LIKE THIS," he said, holding it very close to my face and shouting to get past my stupidness.  Sorry, no luck buddy.  

Finally, he left, after giving me another sad little smile, and I thought I was done with him for good.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.

Last night, at 7:30 PM (!!!!!) I heard banging on my door, and it was another representative from said company.  I unleashed my signature move, and he ... ROLLED HIS EYES AT ME AND WALKED AWAY.

REALLY?!?!!  Really?  You come to my house AFTER DINNER TIME, ask me a stupid question, and then get mad at ME when I blow you off in the nicest way I can possibly muster?  

You want to know how I USED to talk to solicitors before I got a little nice?  It ranged from telling them I was much too busy doing nothing to speak to them to telling them to jump off a cliff.  Is that what you wanted?  Because I can DO that.  I can be mean.  So save your eye rolling for someone else, mister.

And you can take your Stanley Hudson voice and go jump off a cliff.


  1. That guy sounds like a total scam. Great technique, though! I'm too young to get away with it myself, but I found the best one to confuse people. I always tell them, regardless if they're religious, political or trying to sell something, "Oh, sorry, I can't. I'm Anglican."

    It makes no sense at all and it confuses them just long enough for me to close the door or hang up the phone.

  2. Not to sound like a mom, but DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR! I'm sure you live in a very safe town, but seriously. Today you could be bleeding from your eye balls, naked and I won't open my door for you - though I will call the cops and get you some help. I will never open the door!

    I do love your tactic though. I do the same when we get calls - then I remind them that we're on the DO NOT CALL list.

  3. I can't stand when people come to the door. They always show up at 7 when I just got home from work and am trying to make dinner and the doorbell makes the dog go crazy. Thinking about getting one of those 'no solicitor' signs, but is that an asshole thing to do?

  4. LOL, whenever a relentless stalker.. I mean telemarketer/solicitor ... keeps calling the flower shop, we finally break down and tell him that he needs to speak with Walter. Walter's parent or grandparents founded the shop back in 1886. That's right 1886. Not a typo. Anyhow, back on track ..... we tell them they need to speak with Walter, and when they do call back, and ask for him, we politely reply with "I am sorry, Walter has passed away." You should HEAR the stunned/shocked/embarrassed silences and stuttering replies. It's freaking hilarious. And all true. Mostly. He IS dead. But probably wasn't in charge of our long distance phone service. :-)

  5. Ally -- I know, I know. I have a a big black dog, though, and people always take two back when I come to the door with her. PLUS, there are four steep steps up to our door, so people always have to stand at the bottom. But ... I know. Sigh.

    Sarah -- I have been thinking about one of those signs too. I wonder if they actually work though.

    Amanda -- that is wonderful and terrible!!

  6. LOL I do something similar with telephone marketers, I tell them that my husband has control of the money and I'm awfully sorry but I can't make financial decisions. And is he home - never!

    (P.S. Congratulations!)

  7. I agree with Aly...where I live, even though it is a 'safe' area, new stories about people being shot when answering their door are frequent.
    We don't answer the door at all, especially after dark. We figure if it is someone we know, and they really need us, they can call.

    I'm just sayin'!!

  8. I'd be way too afraid to answer the door, but I like how you play clueless...LOL but did he really think you were so stupid as to know what a utility bill looks like? Gee!

  9. Pundelina -- Good thinking! And thanks!

    Joe Cap -- Yes, I now realize everyone on the Interwebs thinks I'm an idiot. We have a huge front window, and when someone comes to the front door, they can see me sitting on the couch anyway, so I figure, if they really want to kill me, they know I'm only a few inches and some cheap glass away from their murderous rage, so I open the door about an inch. But my mother appreciates all of you saying such smart things!! :)

    Steph -- utility bills are HARD!

  10. LOL I do something similar with telephone marketers, I tell them that my husband has control of the money and I'm awfully sorry but I can't make financial decisions. And is he home - never!

    (P.S. Congratulations!)


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