Thursday, December 17, 2009

You'd Think My Husband Would Be More Jealous

I have an Internet girlfriend.  It's true.  

Don't worry, Jeremy knows about it ... I think.  It's hard to say.  Whenever I start talking and the word "blog" appears in the sentence, he gets this glazed look in his eyes, and he stops looking me in the eye and instead looks somewhere in the vicinity of my forehead.  ("It's an old sales trick." Who said it?  A lock of my hair for the first person to comment with the answer).

Anywhoo, Jeremy has been informed that I have a blog crush, but he may or may not have retained the information and committed it to long-term memory.  Whatever.  Let's talk about what's REALLY important here:  Allie from Hyperbole and a Half.  She is ... how do you say?  Ah, yes: AWESOME.  

Here is what has been happening the last two days:

Jeremy: Up in bed, coughing, languishing on his deathbed, croaking out requests for more Diet Vernors.
Veronica: Not getting Diet Vernors for husband, reading said blog, laughing like a maniac and intermittently trying to stifle maniacal laughter.  
Jeremy: Hears laughter anyway.  Is annoyed and thinks Veronica is ignoring his plight.
Veronica:  Might be SLIGHTLY indifferent to his suffering due to the hilarity in front of her face.

And here's why:  Please do enjoy this excerpt from "It's Like There Was a Zombie Apocalypse and Then There Was Something That Came Along and Got Rid of the Zombies and Now it's Just Me and My Boyfriend":
I saw the guy wandering around in the store.  He looked like Gollum.  He was a creature of the night, dressed all in black save for the red "Anarchy" symbol that was safety-pinned to the back of his ratty T-shirt.  Unlike Gollum, this man was fucking purposeful.  He walked like you'd walk if you had just found out that your hot wife was giving birth to twin eagles but before you could go to her side, you had to save the earth from aliens and then the camera panned out and you started walking in slow motion to some Rage Against the Machine song and then you turned into Will Smith and you fucking brought it and the aliens were like "daaaaaayumm, we should never have attacked Earth... our bad." And then you turned into William Wallace for a second and yelled "FREEEDOM!!!!!!!!" and then you turned back into Will Smith, only this time you were also part Samuel L. Jackson and you pumped some alien ass full of lead because that's what you were born to do. 
Yup, that's my special lady *tear*.  She's magical with those word things.

Now, you might be wondering, Veronica, just because you think she is funny, how does that make her your Internet girlfriend?  Easy.  Because THIS happened:

I sent Allie a message, which went a little something like this:

Then she answered with THIS:

But that's not all!  Check it! 

The funny lady thinks I'm hot AND smart.  Did you catch that?  Swoon.

If you would like to read some of my favorite posts, check out 

Want the ultimate proof that a) Allie is awesome, b) She GETS me.  Like really gets me, and c) she loves me?  She made me THIS:

Please, be Allie's follower, subscribe to her feed, and make her rich and famous! Because, you know, I will be sharing that fortune one day ...


  1. I don't think I've ever felt so good about myself in my life! Having an internet girlfriend rocks!

    Oh, and the answer is Dwight Schrute. But I would never ask you to cut off a lock of your beautiful hair. Instead, how about you give me permission to name your firstborn child? I'd probably name it Rolaids. But then you could leverage your kid's name for ad revenue. See? I'm just looking out for you. You're welcome.

  2. Am I still your real-life girlfriend?

  3. this is amazing. congratulations on your blossoming relationship :)

  4. Ah, the kidney girl!

    Glad you've made it official :D

  5. As Allie's real-life boyfriend, I can say with all certainty I know how Jeremy feels. Allie just won't shut up about you. It makes me sick, but then I think, how can I compete with you?

  6. Allie -- I am blushing over here! I don't have many readers, but hopefully some of mine stumbled over to your place to enjoy your funnies.

    Are you sure you don't want a lock of my hair? It is a prized commodity in most countries. However, letting you name my first-born and then using that privilege for leverage is a great back-up plan. Clever beesh.

    Melissa - ummm. Melissa, meet Allie. Allie, meet Melissa. Dear God, I was hoping this would never happen.

    Amanda - Thanks! :)

    Steph - Great, now I have a new nickname. I think my next post should probably be about the liver. maybe the pancreas.

    Duncan - Let me just say, I've tried to hate you. But I just can't. Whoever my Allie loves, I love.

  7. Veronica...
    I don't know what to do with this.

    let me just say that this better not be the center of conversation on saturday.

    (she is pretty damn funny though)

  8. Victoria,

    Just because YOU want to be the center of conversation ALWAYS.

    Yeah, I think she's funny -- I'm totally going to edit a publish her book one day.

  9. Hey that's me there! I'm the "Joe" in the aforereferenced/quoted Allie excerpt! Oh my sweet Yes!

    Thank you thank you so much Vero. Can I call you Vero? VMD it is!

    I feel so included in this, even if only in a peripheral way. Obviously the focus, rightly so, is on you two. I'm so happy for you both and thank you so much for

    Holy Lord God!

    Sorry. I was just suddenly...distracted by the extremely imposing kidney superhero in the sidebar. Truly Glomerulo-Man is the Cleansing Avenger. The Kidney Crusader. The Phenom of Filtration. The Renal Wonder.

    The organ who doans justice.

  10. Joe -- I am happy to have included you in this moment of love and commitment.

    And yes, you can call me Vero. I always wished I had a cool nickname, but apparently no one spoke Spanish when I was growing up and thought about how awesome that name would be for me. Or maybe it was because I lied a lot. Who knows.

  11. Veronica...
    I don't know what to do with this.

    let me just say that this better not be the center of conversation on saturday.

    (she is pretty damn funny though)


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